I'm pretty sure my best friend, Valerie, hates me.
Well maybe not hates me HOLY FUCK OPRAH LOOKS SO GOOD WITH HER HAIR LIKE THAT!!
I'm sorry. That happens sometimes.
but any way, Valerie has to think I'm a pain in the ass. I mean I move all the way across the country and I call her so I can cry like a blubbering idiot and I know that's gotta be annoying especially when there are so many other fun and awesome things one could be doing and the only reason she keeps me in her life is because she's concerned that I'm a suicide risk and she just doesn't want that blood on her hands.
Speaking of blood, did you know that horseshoe crabs have blue blood? It's because the elemental component of their hemoglobin in copper, not iron like ours.
Star Jones looks like a walrus.
I'm so sorry for this. Please return to your lives as they were, as I'm sure this doesn't even make sense anymore.
I <3 valerie. and oprah. and mexican food. fuck. there I go again.
I need a red bull.