I kind of hate myself right now.

I miss him.

Not the him that cuddles with me, or that texts me just because he was thinking of me. Nope, not him.

I miss the other one. The one that broke my heart, the one that made me cry, the one I gave everything too.

The one that lied to me, that took me for granted and took advantage. The one who made me happiest, then turned around and caused me to feel the most hurt I've ever experienced.

And I feel stupid. Because after it all, I still wish he was here. I wish he was mine. And it still hurts. Hurts so bad.

They say in the end you always think of the beginning.. I'm thinking about the birthday cake I made, the Valentines text I got, the study sessions that didn't have any studying, the late night phone calls, the cuddling, October 24... I want 2008 back. I want him back.

I want us back.

And at the very same time I feel terrible because I have an amazing man in my life who cares about me and I'm really falling for him. Albeit a bit more carefully than last time, but falling nonetheless. And I never want for him to feel like he's sharing me or fighting for my heart because he doesn't have to... which contradicts everything I've said. I hate this.

I just had a thought...

I'm pretty sure my best friend, Valerie, hates me.

Well maybe not hates me HOLY FUCK OPRAH LOOKS SO GOOD WITH HER HAIR LIKE THAT!!


I'm sorry. That happens sometimes.


but any way, Valerie has to think I'm a pain in the ass. I mean I move all the way across the country and I call her so I can cry like a blubbering idiot and I know that's gotta be annoying especially when there are so many other fun and awesome things one could be doing and the only reason she keeps me in her life is because she's concerned that I'm a suicide risk and she just doesn't want that blood on her hands.

Speaking of blood, did you know that horseshoe crabs have blue blood? It's because the elemental component of their hemoglobin in copper, not iron like ours.

Star Jones looks like a walrus.


I'm so sorry for this. Please return to your lives as they were, as I'm sure this doesn't even make sense anymore.


I <3 valerie. and oprah. and mexican food. fuck. there I go again.

I need a red bull.